Doing What We Want

Warning, this post is rated BH for brutally honest (this is an Abbe'ism, find her here).  I can't remember the last time I was consistently in the Word (feel free to insert a gasp here for dramatic effect.  Or affect.).  I don't mean the I don't remember the last time (but it was last week or last month) kind.  I mean I can't remember when.  It may have been years. (more gasps.  judgement.  shock.)  This is not something often admitted to by those in my circle.  By that I mean professional Christians.  This is a term I've coined to describe those who in some form or another make their living doing Christian things.  We're supposed to be better than that (we're supposed to be better than you, in fact).  We're not supposed to admit to big dark hairy (you thought I was going moles there, huh?  Get your mind out of the dermatologists office) struggles.  We (professional Christians) are not supposed to admit to our struggles unless they are A) something that we struggled with years and years ago and then gained total victory from and now make a living going around and talking about, or B) completely "innocent" like road rage or an addiction to football.  That kind of struggle is ok.  But the kind of struggle that is still giving us rope burns on our hands because we're having such a tug of war?  Nope.  No sir.  Professional Christians cannot own up to such.  Maybe because if we discover that they struggle with the fundamental disciplines of the Christian life, we think they're at risk for losing their job.  Maybe we doubt their ability to help someone to find Jesus, if they seem to have lost Him themselves and that makes us uncomfortable.  Maybe we've idolized them and their admittance to struggle sort of tarnishes how we see their role of Pastor or Missionary or church secretary. 
I will never forget the night in college, when Dave Larson, in the lobby of our dorm told me this: "You always do what you want."  He had listened to me complain about something, I'm sure, and he made this statement that was both startling and exhilarating at once.  "You always do what you want"--He was suggesting (I believe) that ultimately, we follow our desires and do the thing we really truly wanted to do, even though sometimes we say we didn't want to do that thing because it was hard or scary or whatever.  I can't think of a non-confusing way to say this.  Maybe an example will make it more clear.  You clean your house, but say that you did it, even though you didn't want to.  Dave might say that no, in fact, you always do what you want, so you may not have enjoyed it, but cleaning your house was what you wanted to do (maybe deep deep down), because we always do what we want. As in, we don't actually do things because we are obligated--we do things because, somewhere, within, we really wanted to do that (if even because we really wanted that result to happen). 

After watching the movie, "The Vow" together, my sister was telling me about a story she had heard about a woman who had a severe brain injury that caused her short term memory to malfunction (I'll link to this if I can find it).  Her injury was so severe that she would "wake up" over and over and over in the same manner, confused about where she was and what had happened to her, no ability to remember the recent past, and every single time she woke up she would have the exact same conversation in the exact same order, even telling the exact same joke.  Both the movie and this story seem to back up the idea that yes, we do in fact, ultimately do what we want to do.  This doesn't bother me until I think about spending time with the Lord (or not spending time with Him, as the case may be).  Is the "why" behind my lack of faithfulness and consistency that I don't do it because ultimately, I don't want to?  If I haven't done this (spend time in prayer and reading) regularly for more than a few weeks in years, then do I just not want to?  And if that's the case, how do I fix it?  How do I get my want-to back?  I don't want to spend time with Jesus, I want to watch shallow, ridiculous, pointless TV.  I don't want to spend time with Jesus, I want to have my morning coffee and check facebook.  I don't want to spend time with Jesus, I want to take a nap.  Or have a snack.  Or look at blogs.  Or pinterest.  Or craft something.  If we always do what we want, why don't I spend time with Jesus?  And how do I fix a broken "wanter"?

Oh great.  The Narcolepsy (I'm not kidding--I actually have it) is completely taking over and I can't think straight or continue writing--this will have to be a "to be continued" kind of post. . .