Hey there, blog world! I've been away for a while. We've had a lot going on that maybe someday I'll write about. Who knows? Sorry for the long absence. I've missed "talking" to you and hearing back from you!
Yesterday while sitting with Maya at the breakfast table, she asked me, "Is your sad?" (translation: are you sad?). This is not the first time lately that she has asked me that. It kind of startled me though, as I began to think about how much my emotional state affects her. When I told her no, I'm not sad, she asked, "Are you happy?" I remember as a kid being very sensitive to people's moods--if my parents were tense, if my teacher was in a good or bad mood, and oh mercy--substitute teachers--I could hardly stand it, they were the worst--either scared to death or overcompensating by being super strict. Anyway, Maya's question got me thinking about how as a mom I set the tone for what kind of day it's going to be by how I choose to behave and whether I am submitting my emotions to the Holy Spirit, moment by moment. I would love to hear your thoughts on emotions and how much you choose to acknowledge your feelings/emotions with your kids.
On a similar vein, I've been thinking about mothering lately and I realized that I feel like a bad mom a lot of the time. I even told Matt that when he tells me that I am a great mom, I don't believe that he really thinks that, I think that he is saying that to try to encourage me or make me feel better, or that he has to say that because he is my husband, not because I'm actually a good mom. So I am sick of feeling like a bad mom, and I'm sick of just accepting that self defeating line of thinking, and I'm sick of listening to the devil's lies! So then I started to brainstorm, what does it even look like to be a good mom? I feel like I had a great mom, but honestly, I can't remember much at all about childhood (mom, you're so off the hook!). So many of my friends are in the throws of raising young kids themselves and I feel like we're all looking around at each other going, "What the heck are we supposed to be doing? How will we (and our kids) survive this?".
In my imaginary world, where I am a bit of a perfectionist, I think if our home functioned like a Montessori preschool, I would feel like a good mom. Organized. Structured. Teaching and learning. Crafting. Set snack times. Set activities for each day. No one ever being babysat by videos. You know, perfect. Then I think--that's impossible--I have a LIFE! But I am often grieved by the fact that I feel like I spend so much time managing around my kids, trying to get the things done that I need to get done. Then I wonder, "Would my kids be better off in daycare, than in my care?" Deep down I don't think this is true. And honestly, I am scared to death to send Maya off to spend most of the day with a stranger who is teaching her God knows what. I think that I might have something great to offer her, but I'm not sure that I am offering her that. Get it?
I know that I should be defining what a good mom is from scripture, but honestly, I don't know how to do that. The only thing that comes to mind is the Proverbs 31 woman, and I hate her. She is such an over-achiever. I feel so inadequate when I read a description like that. Also, I am looking for the PRACTICAL stuff. What should our day look like? Should I follow some kind of schedule on the days we are going to be home? Should we have reading time and craft time and take a walk time? When does food prep and cooking meals and grocery shopping fit in there? When do you do the laundry and put clothes away and make beds and take that elusive shower? I know that there is Biblical wisdom and principles that I need to be applying to my life as a mom. I'm looking for those. I'm also looking for what should the schedule of a mom of a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old look like? I think that a lot of my problem is that I have avoiding having any kind of schedule because I fear that I will feel (even more) trapped, suffocated, etc. I'm pretty sure that our kids would do better with some kind of routine, and maybe I would even like it? Maybe I would look at my watch less, long for 8 p.m. less, feel at a loss about what to do with my kids less, go crazy because of my kids a little less?
I am tired of feeling guilty, and like a failure, and so completely inadequate. I need something to change. I am anxiously awaiting your words of wisdom!
