A Good Mom

Hey there, blog world!  I've been away for a while.  We've had a lot going on that maybe someday I'll write about.  Who knows?  Sorry for the long absence.  I've missed "talking" to you and hearing back from  you! 

Yesterday while sitting with Maya at the breakfast table, she asked me, "Is your sad?"  (translation: are you sad?).  This is not the first time lately that she has asked me that.  It kind of startled me though, as I began to think about how much my emotional state affects her.  When I told her no, I'm not sad, she asked, "Are you happy?"  I remember as a kid being very sensitive to people's moods--if my parents were tense, if my teacher was in a good or bad mood, and oh mercy--substitute teachers--I could hardly stand it, they were the worst--either scared to death or overcompensating by being super strict.  Anyway, Maya's question got me thinking about how as a mom I set the tone for what kind of day it's going to be by how I choose to behave and whether I am submitting my emotions to the Holy Spirit, moment by moment.  I would love to hear your thoughts on emotions and how much you choose to acknowledge your feelings/emotions with your kids. 

On a similar vein, I've been thinking about mothering lately and I realized that I feel like a bad mom a lot of the time.  I even told Matt that when he tells me that I am a great mom, I don't believe that he really thinks that, I think that he is saying that to try to encourage me or make me feel better, or that he has to say that because he is my husband, not because I'm actually a good mom.  So I am sick of feeling like a bad mom, and I'm sick of just accepting that self defeating line of thinking, and I'm sick of listening to the devil's lies!  So then I started to brainstorm, what does it even look like to be a good mom?  I feel like I had a great mom, but honestly, I can't remember much at all about childhood (mom, you're so off the hook!).  So many of my friends are in the throws of raising young kids themselves and I feel like we're all looking around at each other going, "What the heck are we supposed to be doing?  How will we (and our kids) survive this?". 

In my imaginary world, where I am a bit of a perfectionist, I think if our home functioned like a Montessori preschool, I would feel like a good mom.  Organized.  Structured.  Teaching and learning.  Crafting.  Set snack times.  Set activities for each day.  No one ever being babysat by videos.  You know, perfect.  Then I think--that's impossible--I have a LIFE!  But I am often grieved by the fact that I feel like I spend so much time managing around my kids, trying to get the things done that I need to get done.  Then I wonder, "Would my kids be better off in daycare, than in my care?"  Deep down I don't think this is true.  And honestly, I am scared to death to send Maya off to spend most of the day with a stranger who is teaching her God knows what.  I think that I might have something great to offer her, but I'm not sure that I am offering her that.  Get it? 

I know that I should be defining what a good mom is from scripture, but honestly, I don't know how to do that.  The only thing that comes to mind is the Proverbs 31 woman, and I hate her.  She is such an over-achiever.  I feel so inadequate when I read a description like that.  Also, I am looking for the PRACTICAL stuff.  What should our day look like?  Should I follow some kind of schedule on the days we are going to be home?  Should we have reading time and craft time and take a walk time?  When does food prep and cooking meals and grocery shopping fit in there?  When do you do the laundry and put clothes away and make beds and take that elusive shower?  I know that there is Biblical wisdom and principles that I need to be applying to my life as a mom.  I'm looking for those.  I'm also looking for what should the schedule of a mom of a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old look like?  I think that a lot of my problem is that I have avoiding having any kind of schedule because I fear that I will feel (even more) trapped, suffocated, etc.  I'm pretty sure that our kids would do better with some kind of routine, and maybe I would even like it?  Maybe I would look at my watch less, long for 8 p.m. less, feel at a loss about what to do with my kids less, go crazy because of my kids a little less? 
I am tired of feeling guilty, and like a failure, and so completely inadequate.  I need something to change.  I am anxiously awaiting your words of wisdom!

Mommy S.O.S.

Hello.  Anybody out there?  If you are, I'm sending out a Mommy S.O.S.  The source of this S.O.S. is dinnertime.  I hate dinnertime.  I need help.  The few hours before bedtime at our house are just kind of out of control.  Zain is a milk addict and he feels the need to let us know for about the hour leading up to his bed time that he would like to be fed and put to bed.  And that is the least of my worries.  The problem is that this fun hour usually coincides with when we are trying to eat, if we have actually attempted to do the whole "eat dinner as a family around the table" gig (which I confess, we usually don't even bother b/c it is so stressful).  There are a number of contributing factors to my current hatred of dinnertime.  I am not usually organized enough to get a dinner made and on the table at a reasonable time in order to be eating dinner before the bedtime meltdown begins.  So we're usually eating around 7.  Which is insane b/c 8 is bedtime for these miniature people.  What I had been doing for like the last year or more is just feeding Maya dinner (usually whatever I could find in the fridge), while fixing dinner for matt and I to eat after she is asleep.  Then we would put her to bed (no bath-we do that in the morning but that's a whole other post!!), feed Zain, put Zain to bed, then sit down (at the coffee table, usually with the TV on) and eat.  Around 8:30 p.m.  This is a TERRIBLE habit and I hate it.  It is bad for our bodies (you're not supposed to eat anything after 8pm, if you want to lose weight, right?).  It is bad for our sleep.  It is bad for our social skills.  And I just don't like the idea that our family is not eating this dinner meal together.  We need to be building this habit now.  It will only get harder.  Plus, when we eat at 8:30 or even 9:00, by the time I get it all cleaned up, it's my bedtime and I have managed ZERO downtime for ME, which I really need to have each night after all of my child/husband/household duties are done.  But moms, how on earth do you manage dinner together as a family?  We just seem to be bumbling through this.  What does your daily evening routine look like?  How can we pull this off with fewer tears (they are usually mine and Zain's)?  Also, my child drives me crazy at meals, so that's why I usually avoid actually trying to eat with her.  At lunchtime, I let her eat, put her down for a nap, then eat.  Or at dinner, it's the routine I described above.  Why?  She is a total mess.  I know these other kids who are like precise and tidy and don't like to spill and they put all their food in their mouth, and whenever those kids eat with my kid, they get in trouble for copying her b/c she is a total mess!  She dissects EVERYTHING before she eats it.  And she uses her silverware, but usually after she has piled food onto it with her fingers.  And she ends up with food in her hair and in every crevace of her clothes.  And for sure all over her face and hands.  And all over her tray.  And her booster seat.  And the floor.  And and and.  I think it's because she likes to study the texture of things and is very tactile.  But how do I actually not go crazy at the table with her?  How can I eat a meal while my children are awake and not hate every minute of it and (dare I expect so much) even enjoy the food that I have slaved over and enjoy the time with them?  I need some help.  Do I need to lower the expectations that I have of her (she is 2 years, 4 months)?  I know it's possible for kids to sit and eat and use their silverware and put all of the food in their mouths in a reasonably clean manner because my friends' kids can do it.  I just don't know it that is asking too much of my kid.  I want her to be her own person, but that means she is going to have her own strengths and weaknesses and quiks.  And how do you incorporate (deal with) a six month old during dinner when the big kid is using the booster seat/high chair so you have nowhere to put the baby other then to hold him (or let him lay on his playmat and cry)?  Do share.  And comfort.  And feel sorry for.  But mostly just tell me what works around your house. . .

Kony 2012

You've probably already seen images on facebook or Pinterest that say Kony 2012.  When I saw one the other day I googled Kony and discovered that we should all know who he is.  Check out this video, it is worth your time.  This is exciting--people taking back media/social media and using it for good-using it to combat a great evil in the world.  Ultimately, I think Jesus is how we combat evil, but I think we use that as an excuse to not do anything sometimes.  This dude says it better than I can, just watch the video.

Zain: Five Months

Zain is changing so fast and I've hardly written about him.  He is rolling over, both back to belly and belly to back.  He is blowing raspberries.  He is laughing and smiling like crazy.  Just about two days ago, he discovered his hands and you will often find him holding them up and staring at them now.  He sleeps through the night only occasionally. 

He is so precious!  This is one happy little guy.  Any time I look at him, he flashes me the biggest most dimply grin that completely melts my heart.  Maya adores him and he adores her.  She has taken to rubbing her face on his and laying on him in order to get her face right up next to his.  He has learned a trick (maybe out of self defense)--hair pulling!  He grabs a big handfull of her (or my) hair and does not let go!  He likes to be on his tummy and does this kind of inch worm thing where he lays his face down and sticks his butt up, then he lifts his head up and then goes back to head down, butt up.  I think it will turn into crawling before we know it.  He is so different from Maya, so much more physical at this age than she was.  He is a charmer and loves to look around the room and grin at anyone who he can get to look back at him.  He is patient and if he can just get his thumb into his mouth, he can soothe himself, even when he's really hungry.  I love this little guy so much!  Happy 5 month birthday Zain-er!

What We Want Part II: Fasting, a Broken Foot and a Tantrum

So here's part II.  Lots of comments on that last post, here and via email and fb--I was glad to hear that I am not alone in this struggle--misery (or apathy?) loves company, right?

I had just found a band called Gungor (and then my SIL wrote and said she'd just seen them live and it was a profound worship experience and that we had to get this new album of theirs) so I've been listening to their album called Ghosts Upon the Earth (Just FYI to my Kansas friends, they will be playing Wed, MARCH 21, at the Orpheum Theatre--Don't miss this!!).  Listening to their rock-mini-opera through the Bible, for the first time in ages, I wanted to read my Bible.  Specifically one of my all-time favorites: Hosea.  I've always been inexplicably drawn to this story.  As I read tonight, these words stood out to me:

She said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'  Therefore I will block her path with thronbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.  She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them.  Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' Hosea 2.5-7

Matt and I decided that we wanted to fast from TV for lent again this year.  I had a creeping feeling (dread) leading up to lent that we needed to do this.  That once again, this had become an idol in my life.  Not that I love and worship and adore TV, but that I go to TV to distract and soothe and accompany me when I am exhausted and don't want to have to think or talk or interact anymore.  Parenting a 2 year old and a 5 month old has been taking all that I have within me.  Not so much the 5 month old (honestly, I forget about him sometimes).  But his needs, on top of a very chatty 2 year old who wants to take part in everything I do, has resulted in one of the hardest seasons of my life.  Maybe even harder than the year we lived in Syria--and that's saying a lot.  I found myself at the end of my rope.  Then my precious and wonderful sister came to visit and for two sweet weeks, answered the "What is this?" question a million times a day so that I didn't have to.  It was awesome.  Then she went home. 

Then we decided we should fast.  Then my husband broke his foot.  Then required surgery.  Now he can't put any weight on it for 6 to 8 weeks.  At all.  Then at least another month in a walking cast.  When the weight of it all hit me, it was over the dishes.  I realized he won't be helping me with the dishes for at least the next two months. And I can't watch TV.  What the freak.  So then I am tempted to call the whole thing off.  I've needed more drugs than my post operative husband.  If I can't have my TV escape, then darn it all, I'll find something else. . .

Isn't that just like me?  (Like all of us, I hope.)  You think you're gonna take away my favorite toy, God?  Well I'll show you.  I'll find a better one.  I am a bigger baby than my toddler.  I throw fits too.  I've been asking God over and over for only God knows how long to make me want Him again.  To draw me close to Him.  To help me to restore the discipline of Bible reading and prayer in my life.  So He urges and convicts me to lay something aside that is often a distraction and a time suck, so that I might be able to have more free time and free mental space to seek Him.  And then He goes and breaks Matt's foot and doubles my work load and my burden.  He makes me so desperate and needy that I don't know where to turn.  And then I spend the following week ignoring Him.  Being mad at Him for making my life harder.  I think He has blocked my way with thornbushes to encourage me to go back to my first love.  But I think Johnny Cash said it best, (paraphrase) it's hard to kick against the pricks.

I've been reading bits and pieces from John Piper's book "When I Don't Desire God."  I think it will be good.  The subtitle is "How to Fight for Joy".  I'll let you know if it helps fix my broken wanter.  I've come to the end of all I have for now.  So I guess this is another to be continued. . .

Doing What We Want

Warning, this post is rated BH for brutally honest (this is an Abbe'ism, find her here).  I can't remember the last time I was consistently in the Word (feel free to insert a gasp here for dramatic effect.  Or affect.).  I don't mean the I don't remember the last time (but it was last week or last month) kind.  I mean I can't remember when.  It may have been years. (more gasps.  judgement.  shock.)  This is not something often admitted to by those in my circle.  By that I mean professional Christians.  This is a term I've coined to describe those who in some form or another make their living doing Christian things.  We're supposed to be better than that (we're supposed to be better than you, in fact).  We're not supposed to admit to big dark hairy (you thought I was going moles there, huh?  Get your mind out of the dermatologists office) struggles.  We (professional Christians) are not supposed to admit to our struggles unless they are A) something that we struggled with years and years ago and then gained total victory from and now make a living going around and talking about, or B) completely "innocent" like road rage or an addiction to football.  That kind of struggle is ok.  But the kind of struggle that is still giving us rope burns on our hands because we're having such a tug of war?  Nope.  No sir.  Professional Christians cannot own up to such.  Maybe because if we discover that they struggle with the fundamental disciplines of the Christian life, we think they're at risk for losing their job.  Maybe we doubt their ability to help someone to find Jesus, if they seem to have lost Him themselves and that makes us uncomfortable.  Maybe we've idolized them and their admittance to struggle sort of tarnishes how we see their role of Pastor or Missionary or church secretary. 
I will never forget the night in college, when Dave Larson, in the lobby of our dorm told me this: "You always do what you want."  He had listened to me complain about something, I'm sure, and he made this statement that was both startling and exhilarating at once.  "You always do what you want"--He was suggesting (I believe) that ultimately, we follow our desires and do the thing we really truly wanted to do, even though sometimes we say we didn't want to do that thing because it was hard or scary or whatever.  I can't think of a non-confusing way to say this.  Maybe an example will make it more clear.  You clean your house, but say that you did it, even though you didn't want to.  Dave might say that no, in fact, you always do what you want, so you may not have enjoyed it, but cleaning your house was what you wanted to do (maybe deep deep down), because we always do what we want. As in, we don't actually do things because we are obligated--we do things because, somewhere, within, we really wanted to do that (if even because we really wanted that result to happen). 

After watching the movie, "The Vow" together, my sister was telling me about a story she had heard about a woman who had a severe brain injury that caused her short term memory to malfunction (I'll link to this if I can find it).  Her injury was so severe that she would "wake up" over and over and over in the same manner, confused about where she was and what had happened to her, no ability to remember the recent past, and every single time she woke up she would have the exact same conversation in the exact same order, even telling the exact same joke.  Both the movie and this story seem to back up the idea that yes, we do in fact, ultimately do what we want to do.  This doesn't bother me until I think about spending time with the Lord (or not spending time with Him, as the case may be).  Is the "why" behind my lack of faithfulness and consistency that I don't do it because ultimately, I don't want to?  If I haven't done this (spend time in prayer and reading) regularly for more than a few weeks in years, then do I just not want to?  And if that's the case, how do I fix it?  How do I get my want-to back?  I don't want to spend time with Jesus, I want to watch shallow, ridiculous, pointless TV.  I don't want to spend time with Jesus, I want to have my morning coffee and check facebook.  I don't want to spend time with Jesus, I want to take a nap.  Or have a snack.  Or look at blogs.  Or pinterest.  Or craft something.  If we always do what we want, why don't I spend time with Jesus?  And how do I fix a broken "wanter"?

Oh great.  The Narcolepsy (I'm not kidding--I actually have it) is completely taking over and I can't think straight or continue writing--this will have to be a "to be continued" kind of post. . .

Look What Zain Can Do (a.k.a. Whoops, lack of supervision much?)

I'm freaking out here.  Zain is a BUSY boy already!  He loves to kick his legs, squirm his body, throw himself back over and over and over just for fun and make diaper changing almost impossible.  And then this happened this morning:

So, when I left the room, he was doing this (Except he was sleeping and the big slobber puddle hadn't happened yet.  This picture is totally staged after the fact.)

When I came back into the room he was doing this:

Holy guacamole!  Isn't he too young to be doing things like this (just turned 4 months)?  I'm not ready (insert panic and desperation voice here)!  I am proud though--isn't he cute with his little legs dangling over the edge of the precipice of the couch? ;)

Disclaimer: No babies were harmed in the documentation of this event.