I had just found a band called Gungor (and then my SIL wrote and said she'd just seen them live and it was a profound worship experience and that we had to get this new album of theirs) so I've been listening to their album called Ghosts Upon the Earth (Just FYI to my Kansas friends, they will be playing Wed, MARCH 21, at the Orpheum Theatre--Don't miss this!!). Listening to their rock-mini-opera through the Bible, for the first time in ages, I wanted to read my Bible. Specifically one of my all-time favorites: Hosea. I've always been inexplicably drawn to this story. As I read tonight, these words stood out to me:
Matt and I decided that we wanted to fast from TV for lent again this year. I had a creeping feeling (dread) leading up to lent that we needed to do this. That once again, this had become an idol in my life. Not that I love and worship and adore TV, but that I go to TV to distract and soothe and accompany me when I am exhausted and don't want to have to think or talk or interact anymore. Parenting a 2 year old and a 5 month old has been taking all that I have within me. Not so much the 5 month old (honestly, I forget about him sometimes). But his needs, on top of a very chatty 2 year old who wants to take part in everything I do, has resulted in one of the hardest seasons of my life. Maybe even harder than the year we lived in Syria--and that's saying a lot. I found myself at the end of my rope. Then my precious and wonderful sister came to visit and for two sweet weeks, answered the "What is this?" question a million times a day so that I didn't have to. It was awesome. Then she went home.She said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.' Therefore I will block her path with thronbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' Hosea 2.5-7
Then we decided we should fast. Then my husband broke his foot. Then required surgery. Now he can't put any weight on it for 6 to 8 weeks. At all. Then at least another month in a walking cast. When the weight of it all hit me, it was over the dishes. I realized he won't be helping me with the dishes for at least the next two months. And I can't watch TV. What the freak. So then I am tempted to call the whole thing off. I've needed more drugs than my post operative husband. If I can't have my TV escape, then darn it all, I'll find something else. . .
Isn't that just like me? (Like all of us, I hope.) You think you're gonna take away my favorite toy, God? Well I'll show you. I'll find a better one. I am a bigger baby than my toddler. I throw fits too. I've been asking God over and over for only God knows how long to make me want Him again. To draw me close to Him. To help me to restore the discipline of Bible reading and prayer in my life. So He urges and convicts me to lay something aside that is often a distraction and a time suck, so that I might be able to have more free time and free mental space to seek Him. And then He goes and breaks Matt's foot and doubles my work load and my burden. He makes me so desperate and needy that I don't know where to turn. And then I spend the following week ignoring Him. Being mad at Him for making my life harder. I think He has blocked my way with thornbushes to encourage me to go back to my first love. But I think Johnny Cash said it best, (paraphrase) it's hard to kick against the pricks.
I've been reading bits and pieces from John Piper's book "When I Don't Desire God." I think it will be good. The subtitle is "How to Fight for Joy". I'll let you know if it helps fix my broken wanter. I've come to the end of all I have for now. So I guess this is another to be continued. . .
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