Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Mommy S.O.S.
Hello. Anybody out there? If you are, I'm sending out a Mommy S.O.S. The source of this S.O.S. is dinnertime. I hate dinnertime. I need help. The few hours before bedtime at our house are just kind of out of control. Zain is a milk addict and he feels the need to let us know for about the hour leading up to his bed time that he would like to be fed and put to bed. And that is the least of my worries. The problem is that this fun hour usually coincides with when we are trying to eat, if we have actually attempted to do the whole "eat dinner as a family around the table" gig (which I confess, we usually don't even bother b/c it is so stressful). There are a number of contributing factors to my current hatred of dinnertime. I am not usually organized enough to get a dinner made and on the table at a reasonable time in order to be eating dinner before the bedtime meltdown begins. So we're usually eating around 7. Which is insane b/c 8 is bedtime for these miniature people. What I had been doing for like the last year or more is just feeding Maya dinner (usually whatever I could find in the fridge), while fixing dinner for matt and I to eat after she is asleep. Then we would put her to bed (no bath-we do that in the morning but that's a whole other post!!), feed Zain, put Zain to bed, then sit down (at the coffee table, usually with the TV on) and eat. Around 8:30 p.m. This is a TERRIBLE habit and I hate it. It is bad for our bodies (you're not supposed to eat anything after 8pm, if you want to lose weight, right?). It is bad for our sleep. It is bad for our social skills. And I just don't like the idea that our family is not eating this dinner meal together. We need to be building this habit now. It will only get harder. Plus, when we eat at 8:30 or even 9:00, by the time I get it all cleaned up, it's my bedtime and I have managed ZERO downtime for ME, which I really need to have each night after all of my child/husband/household duties are done. But moms, how on earth do you manage dinner together as a family? We just seem to be bumbling through this. What does your daily evening routine look like? How can we pull this off with fewer tears (they are usually mine and Zain's)? Also, my child drives me crazy at meals, so that's why I usually avoid actually trying to eat with her. At lunchtime, I let her eat, put her down for a nap, then eat. Or at dinner, it's the routine I described above. Why? She is a total mess. I know these other kids who are like precise and tidy and don't like to spill and they put all their food in their mouth, and whenever those kids eat with my kid, they get in trouble for copying her b/c she is a total mess! She dissects EVERYTHING before she eats it. And she uses her silverware, but usually after she has piled food onto it with her fingers. And she ends up with food in her hair and in every crevace of her clothes. And for sure all over her face and hands. And all over her tray. And her booster seat. And the floor. And and and. I think it's because she likes to study the texture of things and is very tactile. But how do I actually not go crazy at the table with her? How can I eat a meal while my children are awake and not hate every minute of it and (dare I expect so much) even enjoy the food that I have slaved over and enjoy the time with them? I need some help. Do I need to lower the expectations that I have of her (she is 2 years, 4 months)? I know it's possible for kids to sit and eat and use their silverware and put all of the food in their mouths in a reasonably clean manner because my friends' kids can do it. I just don't know it that is asking too much of my kid. I want her to be her own person, but that means she is going to have her own strengths and weaknesses and quiks. And how do you incorporate (deal with) a six month old during dinner when the big kid is using the booster seat/high chair so you have nowhere to put the baby other then to hold him (or let him lay on his playmat and cry)? Do share. And comfort. And feel sorry for. But mostly just tell me what works around your house. . .
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Oh Kellie I remember this stage. Our meals usually involved Micah crying in this swing, which is where we would put him, to give me a couple minutes to eat my food as fast as I could baby free, also a bad habit. I can't tell you how many meals we ate with a crying baby in the kitchen.
ReplyDeleteIs there someone you can borrow a bumbo seat from or a bouncy chair?
Some seasons dinner together just doesn't work, maybe try breakfast or another meal, I think the point is you are together. Right now Marvin's been out meeting with people after work, so it means the boys and I are home eating dinner together, which actually works because they need to eat a little earlier than 6:00 most days when he usually gets home, plus it gives us time after dinner to get outside and play with neighbors. Loving spring.
So I too had the same problem about dinner and not getting it done until way too late with hungry crying grumpy kids. So I started getting everything ready ahead of time. If I'm making a casserole or something that needs to go into the oven, I make it during Micah's nap, and put it in the fridge so all I have to do is pop it in the oven at a certain time. Plus this means less dishes after dinner because I've already washed them earlier. It's a beautiful system. I first learned about it on this blog. http://stolenmomentscooking.com/
Sometimes I chop all my veggies at once for the week and freeze them in bags(works best for soups), so all I have to do is throw stuff together. But honestly my crock pot is what helps the most. Since I am still in language study all day twice a week, it's been the only way to feed my family those days.
I keep our meals simple during the week, and have leftovers at least once. I save the more time consuming meals for the weekends or when we have guests when I have someone to entertain the kids while I cook.
I also try to double a few recipes and put half of it in the freezer, to give me something to pull out when I have a busy day, but this is something that a lot of people don't have space for overseas. I was blessed to buy a freezer from some friends who left.
Oh and just so you know I still have times when dinner is late, kids are crying and we're all grumpy come dinner time. The other day Micah was literally pulling on my legs pushing me to the fridge, while we waited for dinner to finish, then it had to cool. It was bad.
As far a messy eaters, I'm curious what others say because Micah is also a messy eater. He also loves to throw his food the second he's done with it, which is the current thing that is driving me crazy. My strategy is removing all his clothes (they don't make bibs that help this child and his mess) and closely watching to see when he's finished and immediately grabbing any food withing reach, so I don't have to pick it up off the floor.
Oh we also had to move him to a different place around the table, because he would touch me with his gross hands and well it's made a big difference in my attitude.
Hang in there friend, it will get better. You're doing great, and your children are not going hungry so you're doing something right. Some days you just have to do what it takes.
Okay, so what I hear you saying is, yet another area where I need to have more discipline? I think I'm gonna go throw up now. No really, it's good. I'm just so overwhelmed by how much my life used to be fun and enjoyable and (way more than I could have ever realized) about me. And now it's not. Not any of it. I don't want to spend their nap doing food prep. I want to sleep. Or read a blog. Or do something I (CAPITAL I:) want to do. Maybe my problem isn't dinnertime. Maybe my problem is how do I become self controlled and choose the things I need to do instead of the things I want to do, when I already feel like I've given up a million things that I would rather be doing today (like shower, take a nap, have a whole hour to myself, etc.)?
DeleteOk, that sounded like I wasn't grateful for all of your AWESOME and THOUGHTFUL ideas! Touche (is that how you spell that?). Just the opposite. They are great ideas and coming form a mom that I know is in the thick of it too, means they are very real and I am SO grateful you took the time to share. I need to go back to your post about meal planning and try to figure out your tricks. It seems really overwhelming to me (but these days, what doesn't?) but i think it would REALLY help me to stay on top of meal plans! When I know what we are having, dinnertime goes MUCH smoother! THANKS for your thoughts and for your time!
DeleteI kind of don't remember the 2.5 year old stage (you forget quickly...) with a 4 yr old and 8 month old... but I do know that all kids are different, and what Maya is doing these months, will quickly change. She won't be so messy with her eating when she is 4. Promise. :)
ReplyDeletePerhaps her interest in the food could be quenched during the meal prep time... can she stand with a stool as you are prepping food in the kitchen and give her a small amount of something to 'help you prepare' (aka play and explore). Then when it is meal time you can help her to just get it from plate to mouth... while keeping her fingers clean. I do know that at 2.5 if my girls made a mess on the floor, they had to get a wipe and clean it up. That was big motivation for them to not get so messy.
As far as the eating together as a family - we were slow to do that as well. Steve and I had bad eating habits - (eating too late, tv on), and it took some time and being intentional to change that.
Give yourself an earlier dinner time and start prep earlier. Then just think about how that time can be FUN - sitting around the table together.
One last thought as this is crazy long already... make sure that Maya is WATCHING you eat! If you are always eating after her, she might need more modeling on how to eat the right way. Praise her for using her spoon like mommy! These are trying days I know! Hugs to you!
I think making her clean up the floor after she eats is a good idea. Seems like one of those things that ends up being more work for me to help her do it than if I did it myself, but the point is teaching her, not getting it cleaned up easily, right?
DeleteHang in there friend! This too shall pass is what I've been telling myself lately about my current state of sleep deprivation and it pretty much applies to all parenting stages (even the ones we want to cling onto!!). I was gonna say most of what Erica said about food prep. Cooking double batches and freezing one, doing lots of food prep on your shopping day (chopping veggies, browning ground beef and freezing it). Also let the crock pot be your friend.
ReplyDeleteAs far as all sitting down together- take it in baby steps. Start out by aiming for 2-3 or 3-4 nights per week instead of every night. If you're able to get some food prep done earlier in the day then maybe you could eat earlier than the horrible bewitching hour. Do you have a swing or bouncy seat for Zain? How involved is Matt able to be right now with his foot. If he still can't do much at least make it a goal for when he can for him to occupy the kids while you put the final touches on dinner. Go for a walk, whatever. Always helped mine during that fussy hour to get out of the house a bit.
Same with Maya's mealtime habits- start small. Your creative self could even make some kind of fun colorful chart that you could use to work on various manners and reward her with stickers or something that would be special to her. Like, take a chunk of days and say you're going to work on simply keeping the food on the tray. Really talk it up and remind her frequently and help guide her throughout the meal. After a couple of days of that, work on something else, like not getting food in her hair. The main thing is take it in baby steps!
Would you hate me if I told you I was chuckling throughout your blog post?! Love that little girl so much!!
Of course i don't hate you for laughing. Maya is a trip. She can be as sweet as sugar. I'm not sure, but I think she already knows how to use it to manipulate. Her giving of affection is certainly on her terms. Matt is gone to the North today, and it's 8:04 a.m. and we've already had 2 spankings and she's been sent back to bed (she also snuck around playing in her room and then got busted when she dropped a noisy toy). I just sat on her bed and cried I was so frustrated and I just don't know what to do other than cry out to Jesus. People actually like being a mom, right? Those people do exist? I was one of those people for about a year? And maybe someday I'll like it again? :) If they all stayed 6 months old and just like Zain I might say I like being a mom-he is one easy baby--the Lord knew I would need him to be at this point-for SURE.
DeleteBless you, sweet friend! YES, you will love it again and also, YES you will have other seasons where you cry your eyes out every day!! And each of those is a SEASON that will pass- some too quickly some not nearly quick enough... Praying for you today!! Jason left for an 11 day trip today and I'm also keeping Megan and Bethany B so we have a house full of female emotions!
DeleteIt looks like you've gotten a ton of good advice. I'll try not to repeat stuff, but I'm getting old and can't make any promises. I ditto all these other people's advice too.
ReplyDeleteOk, here are a few things I thought of:
1. If you have a househelper, have her do a ton of the prep. Or have her cook it for you. If you don't have a househelper, I would highly recommend getting one. I know you had one before, but I'm not sure about now. She could come in and chop onions, garlic, peppers or whatever and you could freeze them.
2. We have friends who do a big lunch and a simple dinner because the kids are like gremlins between the 4-6 pm time. The husband might not be there for lunch, but he will get the leftovers from the meal for the next day's lunch. So dinner might be a sandwich or noodles or something easy. I've taught our househelper how to make bagels, tortillas, sausage, etc. We just freeze them if we don't use them right away.
3. Stripe them down when they eat. Our kids ate in their diapers for a long time. Even with bibs, they were a mess at the end of a meal. But if they're naked, then you just wipe them down like a counter at the end of the meal.
4. If you make dinner shorter and easier, you and Matt could follow dinner with tea or coffee or something after the kids go down so that you can have more adult conversation. For awhile, we would try and do coffee time on Saturday mornings. The kids had to play or we put on a Chinese cartoon for them. They learned this was adult time.
5. Could you leave the dishes in the sink until the morning when you are fresher? Again, I don't know your family schedule. Maybe have 2-3 days a week that you use paper products. I know these might be a tad bit more expensive, but maybe good for your sanity in this season.
6. I have to say that I think parenting was harder with my 3 littles ones than it is now with 5 bigger ones. Your kids are super needy right now. If you need a break, put Maya in the bathtub and let her play for an hour. Your house doesn't need to be perfect. Ask Matt what a peaceful home would look like to him and then let the rest go. Ask him what a good meal would mean to him and then let the rest go. It's a season and it will get easier. I promise.
You are doing a great job. Release what you think your life should look like according to people you see on other blogs or pinterest or whatever. This was a big moment of freedom when I realized, I just can't do it all. I'm gonna let go of lots of stuff. Like pajamas. I hate them and it added laundry. So now my kids sleep in whatever they want. Sometimes their underwear, sometimes as a pirate and sometimes in their jeans so they don't have to get dressed in the mornings. I have let it go. They'll survive. :)
I'm praying for you this morning. Those two kiddos are blessed beyond imagine to have you as their mom. You are doing a fantastic job, so keep at it!
You sure have gotten some good advice here from some awesome friends. You are blessed to have such wise women in your friend bank! I want to tell you that many times I cried to God and asked him why He had given me four kids when I really didn't even like kids! He gave me four mirrors...four packs of sandpaper....four chisels....four reasons to live! Four gifts I had to give back to Him at some point ...many times I wailed "I can't do this!" and He gently whispered, "You can't do this without Me"
ReplyDeleteI may be a slight bit prejudiced, but I have to say I think you are doing an awesome job as a mom and wife and want to encourage you to keep on keeping on. And listen to your friends...they have great ideas!
Love you beyond words...mom
Oh, sweet sister! Isn't it discouraging when you work so hard on a meal and dream of it being great family time and it's a DISASTER. I hear ya.
ReplyDeleteWhat about throwing an oversized towel down under her high chair to scoop up and throw in the laundry after dinner (or reuse for several meals in a row...that's how I would roll) to avoid having another spot under her chair to clean up. And maybe hand Maya a sponge after dinner and make part of her "job" to wipe her booster after she eats (my girls always LOVED getting to "clean"...maybe not everyone though?). I often do as much dinner prep as I can right after Liv is delivered to school while I have the most energy and Annalie can most easily entertain herself. AND you KNOW I lean heavy on that crockpot!!! I echo the rewards idea...we did marbles in a dish but you could use anything. And a little reward after dinner if she has marbles in her dish after (extra book at bedtime, stickers, jelly bean)
What amazing and wise friends I have. What a blessed woman I am to have women willing to speak into my life. To give practical help and ideas, as well as just cheering me on during this (incredibly) "needy" season for my kids (and hubby). Thank you all for your great comments here and on fb and via email. I'm already seeing some improvement with Maya and the messiness. Seems she just needed more supervision and reminders to use her silverware and eat like a human being instead of a gerbile. She's capable, just needs the boundaries held up for her about 20 times per meal, which means I need to either eat with her, or at the least, sit and supervise her while she is eating. My friend here called me around the dinner hour and when she discovered I was in the grocery store, she just kind of laughed at me, with this post in mind! If I want to have an awesome dinnertime, don't be at the grocery store at 5:30?! :) Matt was feeding Maya dinner solo that night b/c we had all eaten lunch together that day--thanks to the reminder that there's nothing magical about the dinner hour and we can have family meal at breakfast or lunch instead! Also, things have been better on the nights that I just discipline myself to work on dinner BEFORE it's time to be eating dinner (imagine that). Also, thanks for all the suggestions about doing a double batch of meals and freezing half. Just hadn't really thought of that lately and it's already come in VERY handy (it resulted in Italian meatball sandwiches for dinner tonight even though we were supposed to be out of town tonight and I didn't have a plan--thank you beautiful meatballs in the freezer that I could just throw in the oven with some spaghetti sauce from a jar that I made three batches of yesterday and then froze! Thanks for all of your great advice! You girls ROCK!
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