An Extremely Long Post About a Very Short 24 Hours

I have a hangover.  Not the alcohol induced kind (we live under the law apparently), the vacation induced kind.  and although our "vacation" lasted all of 24 hours (it was actually a visa run, but i feel better when I call it something fun like vacation), it somehow has ended in the same effect (affect? I never know)--I can't seem to get my butt in gear and do anything (other than read blogs, of course).  Because I didn't feel like doing anything practical, Maya and I did a craft, but other than that, I've been pretty lazy all morning.  Teeth brushing?  Nope (Don't worry, matt left town before 7 this morning so it's ok that I've neither brushed my teeth or showered).  About 15 minutes ago I remembered that we have a bag of wet swim-clothes in our yet to be unpacked luggage from yesterday, so I managed to start a load of laundry-so yeah me.  Our kids have been sleeping off their hangover most of the morning so it's been a really nice quiet morning to myself (except for the one poop in her pants episode Maya had just after breakfast, just before our craft, in the 2 seconds while I stopped supervising her cute poopy little butt).

And speaking of that 24 hour vacation--it was awesome.  I'm not sure how 24 hours with so many hiccups could be considered awesome, outside of the grace of God.  And years of living in a kind of chaotic country dulling our sensitivity to chaos.  But it did and He is and it was.  We started off on shaky ground b/c our flight left Beirut after bedtime.  But we had a picnic dinner at our gate that included chemical filled cheeseballs and PB and J, so how could we not be happy?  The flight was a breeze (it's so short that they don't even have time to get out the beverage cart, so they pass out juice boxes before the plane even takes off).  The landing was a breeze.  The arrival was disorienting--why don't European teenagers wear any clothes?  And why do they say the F-word all the time?  Wow, we are in EUROPE!  A 20 minute flight, and we are worlds away!)  We landed in Cyprus without knowing a word of Greek (although after me making fun of him for having studied Greek in seminary and not remembering ANY of it, Matt came up with the word Oikos--useful honey, thank you!) we entered the Greek speaking island of Cyprus.

Thankfully Matt splurged on a guidebook of Cyprus in the Beirut airport, so we weren't completely ignorant.  Although we have flown into Cyprus quite a few times to renew our visas, this was our first time to actually leave the airport--and my what we have been missing!  It was cute!  It was quaint!  It was RURAL!  It reminded me of a mash up between a VanGogh painting, and Kansas countryside.  I got to explain hay bales to Maya!  Real live birds ate her crumbs at lunch on a veranda!  We saw camels!  Say WHAT?!  We left the middle east for Europe and ended up at a place that had camels?  Camel Park to be exact, but I'll tell you more about that later.  After we arrived in shocking Europe (I kept reminding myself that it's rude to stare in Europe.  I don't know that for a fact, but I decided it was a safe assumption.), we headed to the rental car area.  We got a car secured and two car seats, then we walked like a thousand miles in 200% humidiity with one big duffle, two carry on's, a diaper bag, 2 kids and 2 carseats.  When we finally found the car and figured out how to install Zain's carseat (in the dark b/c the lights inside the car didn't work), we took a moment to try to orient ourselves.  You see, Cypriots have some historical connection with the Britts, and therefore, many of them speak English, and all of them drive on the left side of the road. 

"Look to the right, stay to the left!"

If you have never experienced this, just trust me in that it is extremely disorienting.  Add to that that the car was a standard (NO problem for my awesome hubby though), with the shifter on the LEFT!  Someday I'll tell the story of our comical honeymoon in the Bahamas and driving a scooter on the left side, when I perfected my Brittish driving mantra, "Look to the right, stay to the left."  Once again this cheer came in handy as we nearly avoided collision on a number of occasions (we actually read in the guidebook that Cyprus has one (if not THE) highest rates of car accidents in all of Europe.  I'll tell you why.  Visitors.  They even have big signs as you leave the airport telling you to drive on the left.)  Now speaking of signs.  Much like the Lebanese, the Cypriots do not seem to put much stock in them.  Conveniently, the signs that they do have are in both Greek and English, but that somehow was not enough.  In our bewildered left side driving, getting in so late, feeling tired, trying to read the map in the dark car and find our hotel state-of-mind, we needed some reliable signage.  We ended up in driveways and on dead end roads and in the seeming middle of nowhere.  Several times.  Did I mention what time of night it is at this point?  I can't remember, but it was late.  Like maybe after 11 p.m.?  One man told us to drive toward the sea, but in the dark, a big field and the sea are pretty much identical.  Maya, from her booster seat in the backseat seemed to be keenly aware of the fact that we did not know where we were.  She was asking, almost constantly where we are and what we were doing.  I tried to stay extremely calm and upbeat, while feeling increasingly unsure and concerned on the inside.  Were it not for the wonderful Cypriot people themselves, we surely would have had no chance.  There are SO SO many similarities between our beloved Lebanese and the Cypriots.  One being that they all socialize out on their verandas late into the night b/c it's the coolest time of the day and it's cooler outside than inside.  That being the case, it was quite easy to just pull up alongside someones house and ask, "Do you speak English?" and always, someone did.  We got directions from a nice group of folks, tried to follow them, and ended up lost once again.  Then we drove around some more.  Then we got lost again.  Had it not been the pitch black of night, it would have been a very pleasant tour of all of the little villa-type homes, the beautiful flowers growing around each home, and the big open fields of hay and groves of olive trees.  We pulled over at a kebab restaurant, and asked directions again.  In broken English they gave us directions, but something got lost in translation, because after about 15 minutes, we were back at the same Kebab place! 

The Kebab Shack in the daylight

At this point, Zain threw up all over himself.  I jumped out of the car and went around to the back to get him out, and try to clean him up.  So at this point, Zain and I are sitting on the curb in front of Kebab stand, trying to clean up the vomit.  This precious lady who could have come right out of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" brings me a bottle of water and another brings me a glass and we give Zain some water and get us both mostly cleaned up.  We chat and she realizes this is our first day in Cyprus.  At that point, there is no way she is going to let anything else bad happen to us--she assigns her husband to jump in his car and lead us to our hotel.  And it's a good thing he did, because we were so far from getting there it's not even funny.  Maybe it was the difference between getting directions in meters/kilometers instead of yards or miles or whatever we do.  This wonderful man led us right to our hotel, but not without Zain puking on himself one more time.

We thanked him profusely and headed into the hotel.  We arrived in our room (which is nice and well decorated, so I am very happy).  Aren't the acid dyed concrete floors pretty? 

A man from India gets a pack n play all set up and goes to great trouble to turn the couch into a bed for Maya, we get the essentials unpacked and then realize the air is not working in our room.  Move rooms.  At this point, I think it must have been after midnight, which is no big deal, but when you are 9 months old, or 2 1/2, it's a real big deal.  We got settled in our new (cool) room and after a long time of struggling, the kids finally fell asleep.  And then the really cool Ipod docking station/alarm clock on my bedside table goes off and I swear we are sleeping in a fire station it is so loud!  I finally figure out how to turn it off.  And then I'm guessing about 15 minutes later, right after I've finally fallen asleep, it goes off again.  at that point I have the sense of mind to unplug the crazy thing!  (Do people do that on purpose?  Like a prank?  Mean.  So mean.)  Did I already mention that the bathroom has a window that looks into the bedroom?  So strange.  Also, when 2 children are sleeping in the room with you, so annoying, b/c if the light in the bathroom is on, it shines all over the bedroom.  We managed around it somehow.

the view from the balcony

The next morning we all woke up too early and decided we would head down to breakfast, and then take turns taking Maya to the pool and keeping Zain in the room (hopefully sleeping).  Our flight was scheduled to leave at 9ish that night so we needed to kill appx. 12 hours in Cyprus.  We got a late check out of 2pm so Maya and I headed to the pool while Matt stayed with Zain for a nap.  Then after a while Matt came down to swim with Maya so I could go up and shower and pack up our stuff. 

Somewhere in the hand-off, Maya didn't get a 2nd application of sunblock and got a sunburn.  Ouch!  Zain took a very abbreviated nap, so after the swim, we still had a bit of time before we had to be out of the room so we put both kids back down for a nap, which Zain talked his way through and Maya fiddled and fidgeted and stalled until almost time to check out, at which time she fell fast asleep.  Ugh!  So we wake her up, get all the bags down to the car, and decide we will go back to the kebab folks to thank them for their help and to eat some lunch. 

It's after 2 by this point so we are getting HUNGRY!  We realize in the daylight just how beautiful it is, and just how clueless we were driving around lost the night before.  We find the restaurant, but apparently, because it's so hot, and they don't use much A/C, people here stay up very late, and don't do a whole lot in the morning (or early afternoon?).  So the kebab shop was closed.  Plan B: any place that was open that had A/C so we could keep our little lobster child and our very sweaty selves in from the heat.  About the first five places we found had all outdoor seating and no A/C.  Then we found a place with the doors closed, which we took to mean sit in the A/C-yeah!  So we parked, got kids all unloaded, walked in, and realized while they did in fact have A/C, the seating was OUTSIDE only!  You could buy your goods in the air conditioned glory, but you had to eat them in the sweltering humidity of a Cyprus 2 pm.  At this point, I give our family a speech about how bad running the A/C is for the environment, how so many in the world don't even have the choice to run it to escape from the heat, how the growing threat of global warming is real to these people because they feel it with their bodies, etc., etc., but all i really wanted?  Some d*** A/C.  And something to eat.  The hungry grumpies were all over me.  We got lost again at this point.  I'm serious.  We really did.  And passed quite a few cafes with tons of little old men sitting outside on the verandas, drinking what is called a frape.  I think this was the forerunner for the frappuccino.  It is a famous Cypriot cold coffee drink, and it is YUMMY! 


At this point, Matt approached one of these groups of old men (why didn't I get a picture of the groups of little old men, sitting outside the cafes, drinking their frapes (frape rhymes with cafe)?!  Anyway, he got directions.  Again.

At this point, Maya has asked for a snack about 10 times and we decided the next place we find, A/C or no, we will stop and eat.  That's when we end up at The Camel Park.  That's right, we have left the Middle East for Europe, only to eat lunch at a place that is decorated with camels and other Middle Eastern kitch, and is within smelling range of a camel farm/petting zoo. 

And there's no A/C.  We eat some yummy food (that is very similar to Lebanese food-they even use some of the same words-maybe these words come from Turkish and the Ottoman occupation?) and do a great deal of sweating.
We decide next that we should head into the city (where the airport is) make sure we can find the airport, then if we have time, try to find a Mexican restaurant that Matt read about in his guidebook.  Oh my word.  I think we asked directions 3 or 4 more times.  No kidding.  I finally took a picture just so I could document the thing we did the most while we were in Cyprus.

Also, just to keep us on our toes, Zain threw up another 2 or 3 times during this drive.

Daddy on clean up duty post another puke episode . . .

We finally found it-Nuevo Mexico.  It was literally on the road that we came in from the airport on.  We probably drove right by it, before driving around the city for at least an hour looking for it.  We unloaded the pukey kid, walked inside, then Matt noticed that the menu said "French".  Thankfully we were in the right place, just the wrong floor--the place we wanted was just upstairs from the French place. . .

Here's what we did at Nueva Mexico:

 . . . that and we had the best Chicken Enchiladas we've had in at least two years!  Corn tortillas, how we love you!!  Even here, there was no A/C, so we sat out on the veranda, devoured our Mexican, and sweated some more!  We quickly loaded up the car again, drove for the airport, got the car turned in, got the bags checked and made it to our gate with all kinds of time to spare.  And by all kinds of time, I mean our flight was an hour late taking off, which is, again, no big deal if you didn't start out with exhausted, hot, sunburned kids. . . ;)

Did I mention that Zain had an allergic reaction (mild) to the baby food I fed him on our picnic at the departure gate, or that Maya pooped her pants at the rental car counter while we were picking up the car? 

All in all, our 24 hours in Cyprus were great, and other than the porn sold openly in the duty free shops and thong wearing, topless sunbathers, it was good clean fun!!!  I even got to wear a sleeveless shirt and eat pork!  We will go to Cyprus again for sure!  It was awesome!

What'cha Been Up To?

Hello blog-reading friends.  We're still out here.  We've been busy doing all of this:

 We went on a little drive and after much searching, found this little spring that friends had told us about.  Sadly they had bull-dozed the nice grassy area around it we were planning to enjoy so our visit was short, but Maya had tons of fun playing in the cold water, throwing rocks, and generally getting dirty!

 This Syrian guy we met wanted to take Maya into this cave where the spring comes out of a rock or something.  Sometimes I'm amazed at the things involving my children that I allow to take place in this country (although I did shout at some children at the park two days ago, "Put her down, she's a person not a doll!"). 

 Having a good ole time gettin' dirty and wet.

We've been trying for months to get Zain to eat food.  In about the last week, he has FINALLY gotten the hang of it, but is still the slowest eater of all time, and seems to just tolerate it, not enjoy it (like his big sister did). 

I found a recipe for homemade puff paint and Maya and I had a lot of fun creating! 

 "Look at what I did!"

We are potty training right now, and the only words I have to describe how it is going might earn me the name potty-mouth, so we're just going to move right on to something happy . . .  

And how happy this makes me!  Zain and Daddy having some tickle time.  Zain is UBER ticklish and just loves to be cuddled, held, tickled, etc.  What a fun boy! 

 Speaking of fun--this was not.  These precious friends of ours left in June to to back to the States and boy do we miss them (Maya especially).

How could you leave this place?  We have sand we have sun, we have the sea!  On this trip to the sea, Zain, who has a super gag reflex got a bit of salt water in his mouth and puked.  He made up for it by eating sand the rest of the day.  Almost daily now, Maya wants to whisper this secret in my ear, "We're going to the beach with Isla!"

Speaking of Zain, doesn't he look like he is going to be extremely ornery?  His true colors are starting to shine and the boy has a temper when he doesn't get his way. . . what are we in for?!

For the 4th of July we had a crowd over to celebrate, swim, eat awesome food, etc.  I fixed these: BBQ chicken that was SO easy and SO good.  Homemade ice cream without a machine-I made cookies and cream, vanilla, Reese's pb cup and chocolate--and now I have a tire around my waist again!  It is SO simple, so easy, and so rich and creamy!  Try it!  I also made Baked S'Mores with some marshmallow cream hand carried from 'Merica, but I can't seem to find the conversation on facebook with the link to the recipe. . . We also had baked beans and amazing potato salad that friends brought.  It all tasted very American and yummy!  Maya took swimming VERY seriously (as you can see). 

 Zain and his buddy taking a dip--he really loves the water too.

Zain has started crawling!  Look out world (and mommy, say goodbye to showering). . .  

He has also sprouted two teeth!

I've been teaching an art class to some precious girls from about age 3 to 11!  It is an hour and a half of controlled chaos and I LOVE it!  I'll teach two more classes this summer, and I've been too busy at the two classes so far to take pictures, but we've done fabric yo-yo's and made them into hair barrettes, and we've started a canvas with recycled magazine pages and we're going to make it a mixed media piece with their names and a Bible verse of their choosing next week.  Still can't decide on what to do week four, any great ideas?  It has to be something that's not just on paper (that gets thrown away eventually).

Matt has been doing what we call a language push.  It's when we take a limited period of time and do something very intentional to push our language to a deeper level--his class is twice a week for 3 hours and it's all about controversial topics in society here!  I'll be taking the same class next month when I do a language push (and I'm REALLY nervous about the time commitment and the level of Arabic, but it will be GOOD for my very stagnant process (and I'm sure will humble me and challenge me spiritually). 

My friend's mom came for a visit to Lebanon and spent several hours with me and some girlfriends talking about parenting and it was really practical and encouraging.  The Lord really convicted my heart in regards to how I view Maya.  I haven't really been enjoying her for the last several months (maybe all the way back to when Matt broke his foot?  sidenote: I think that may be why I haven't blogged in forever--injured hubby for 3 months=busy stressed mommy!).  Anyway, I am trying to see her as a person again, rather than a project or a responsibility or a creater of greater messes and more responsibilities for me.  She is a fearfully and wonderfully made PERSON who needs me to try to know her and understand her as that.  Humbling.  So humbling. . .This parenting thing is hands down the hardest thing I have ever done.  But God continues to guide me and speak correction and conviction so even as I feel kind of at a loss as to how to do this (see this post), I continue to put my hope in Him and plead for His Spirit to guide me. 

I'm sure we've been doing other stuff, but right now, kids need fed, laundry needs done, Momma needs a shower, you know--the usual! ;)

A Good Mom

Hey there, blog world!  I've been away for a while.  We've had a lot going on that maybe someday I'll write about.  Who knows?  Sorry for the long absence.  I've missed "talking" to you and hearing back from  you! 

Yesterday while sitting with Maya at the breakfast table, she asked me, "Is your sad?"  (translation: are you sad?).  This is not the first time lately that she has asked me that.  It kind of startled me though, as I began to think about how much my emotional state affects her.  When I told her no, I'm not sad, she asked, "Are you happy?"  I remember as a kid being very sensitive to people's moods--if my parents were tense, if my teacher was in a good or bad mood, and oh mercy--substitute teachers--I could hardly stand it, they were the worst--either scared to death or overcompensating by being super strict.  Anyway, Maya's question got me thinking about how as a mom I set the tone for what kind of day it's going to be by how I choose to behave and whether I am submitting my emotions to the Holy Spirit, moment by moment.  I would love to hear your thoughts on emotions and how much you choose to acknowledge your feelings/emotions with your kids. 

On a similar vein, I've been thinking about mothering lately and I realized that I feel like a bad mom a lot of the time.  I even told Matt that when he tells me that I am a great mom, I don't believe that he really thinks that, I think that he is saying that to try to encourage me or make me feel better, or that he has to say that because he is my husband, not because I'm actually a good mom.  So I am sick of feeling like a bad mom, and I'm sick of just accepting that self defeating line of thinking, and I'm sick of listening to the devil's lies!  So then I started to brainstorm, what does it even look like to be a good mom?  I feel like I had a great mom, but honestly, I can't remember much at all about childhood (mom, you're so off the hook!).  So many of my friends are in the throws of raising young kids themselves and I feel like we're all looking around at each other going, "What the heck are we supposed to be doing?  How will we (and our kids) survive this?". 

In my imaginary world, where I am a bit of a perfectionist, I think if our home functioned like a Montessori preschool, I would feel like a good mom.  Organized.  Structured.  Teaching and learning.  Crafting.  Set snack times.  Set activities for each day.  No one ever being babysat by videos.  You know, perfect.  Then I think--that's impossible--I have a LIFE!  But I am often grieved by the fact that I feel like I spend so much time managing around my kids, trying to get the things done that I need to get done.  Then I wonder, "Would my kids be better off in daycare, than in my care?"  Deep down I don't think this is true.  And honestly, I am scared to death to send Maya off to spend most of the day with a stranger who is teaching her God knows what.  I think that I might have something great to offer her, but I'm not sure that I am offering her that.  Get it? 

I know that I should be defining what a good mom is from scripture, but honestly, I don't know how to do that.  The only thing that comes to mind is the Proverbs 31 woman, and I hate her.  She is such an over-achiever.  I feel so inadequate when I read a description like that.  Also, I am looking for the PRACTICAL stuff.  What should our day look like?  Should I follow some kind of schedule on the days we are going to be home?  Should we have reading time and craft time and take a walk time?  When does food prep and cooking meals and grocery shopping fit in there?  When do you do the laundry and put clothes away and make beds and take that elusive shower?  I know that there is Biblical wisdom and principles that I need to be applying to my life as a mom.  I'm looking for those.  I'm also looking for what should the schedule of a mom of a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old look like?  I think that a lot of my problem is that I have avoiding having any kind of schedule because I fear that I will feel (even more) trapped, suffocated, etc.  I'm pretty sure that our kids would do better with some kind of routine, and maybe I would even like it?  Maybe I would look at my watch less, long for 8 p.m. less, feel at a loss about what to do with my kids less, go crazy because of my kids a little less? 
I am tired of feeling guilty, and like a failure, and so completely inadequate.  I need something to change.  I am anxiously awaiting your words of wisdom!

Mommy S.O.S.

Hello.  Anybody out there?  If you are, I'm sending out a Mommy S.O.S.  The source of this S.O.S. is dinnertime.  I hate dinnertime.  I need help.  The few hours before bedtime at our house are just kind of out of control.  Zain is a milk addict and he feels the need to let us know for about the hour leading up to his bed time that he would like to be fed and put to bed.  And that is the least of my worries.  The problem is that this fun hour usually coincides with when we are trying to eat, if we have actually attempted to do the whole "eat dinner as a family around the table" gig (which I confess, we usually don't even bother b/c it is so stressful).  There are a number of contributing factors to my current hatred of dinnertime.  I am not usually organized enough to get a dinner made and on the table at a reasonable time in order to be eating dinner before the bedtime meltdown begins.  So we're usually eating around 7.  Which is insane b/c 8 is bedtime for these miniature people.  What I had been doing for like the last year or more is just feeding Maya dinner (usually whatever I could find in the fridge), while fixing dinner for matt and I to eat after she is asleep.  Then we would put her to bed (no bath-we do that in the morning but that's a whole other post!!), feed Zain, put Zain to bed, then sit down (at the coffee table, usually with the TV on) and eat.  Around 8:30 p.m.  This is a TERRIBLE habit and I hate it.  It is bad for our bodies (you're not supposed to eat anything after 8pm, if you want to lose weight, right?).  It is bad for our sleep.  It is bad for our social skills.  And I just don't like the idea that our family is not eating this dinner meal together.  We need to be building this habit now.  It will only get harder.  Plus, when we eat at 8:30 or even 9:00, by the time I get it all cleaned up, it's my bedtime and I have managed ZERO downtime for ME, which I really need to have each night after all of my child/husband/household duties are done.  But moms, how on earth do you manage dinner together as a family?  We just seem to be bumbling through this.  What does your daily evening routine look like?  How can we pull this off with fewer tears (they are usually mine and Zain's)?  Also, my child drives me crazy at meals, so that's why I usually avoid actually trying to eat with her.  At lunchtime, I let her eat, put her down for a nap, then eat.  Or at dinner, it's the routine I described above.  Why?  She is a total mess.  I know these other kids who are like precise and tidy and don't like to spill and they put all their food in their mouth, and whenever those kids eat with my kid, they get in trouble for copying her b/c she is a total mess!  She dissects EVERYTHING before she eats it.  And she uses her silverware, but usually after she has piled food onto it with her fingers.  And she ends up with food in her hair and in every crevace of her clothes.  And for sure all over her face and hands.  And all over her tray.  And her booster seat.  And the floor.  And and and.  I think it's because she likes to study the texture of things and is very tactile.  But how do I actually not go crazy at the table with her?  How can I eat a meal while my children are awake and not hate every minute of it and (dare I expect so much) even enjoy the food that I have slaved over and enjoy the time with them?  I need some help.  Do I need to lower the expectations that I have of her (she is 2 years, 4 months)?  I know it's possible for kids to sit and eat and use their silverware and put all of the food in their mouths in a reasonably clean manner because my friends' kids can do it.  I just don't know it that is asking too much of my kid.  I want her to be her own person, but that means she is going to have her own strengths and weaknesses and quiks.  And how do you incorporate (deal with) a six month old during dinner when the big kid is using the booster seat/high chair so you have nowhere to put the baby other then to hold him (or let him lay on his playmat and cry)?  Do share.  And comfort.  And feel sorry for.  But mostly just tell me what works around your house. . .

Kony 2012

You've probably already seen images on facebook or Pinterest that say Kony 2012.  When I saw one the other day I googled Kony and discovered that we should all know who he is.  Check out this video, it is worth your time.  This is exciting--people taking back media/social media and using it for good-using it to combat a great evil in the world.  Ultimately, I think Jesus is how we combat evil, but I think we use that as an excuse to not do anything sometimes.  This dude says it better than I can, just watch the video.

Zain: Five Months

Zain is changing so fast and I've hardly written about him.  He is rolling over, both back to belly and belly to back.  He is blowing raspberries.  He is laughing and smiling like crazy.  Just about two days ago, he discovered his hands and you will often find him holding them up and staring at them now.  He sleeps through the night only occasionally. 

He is so precious!  This is one happy little guy.  Any time I look at him, he flashes me the biggest most dimply grin that completely melts my heart.  Maya adores him and he adores her.  She has taken to rubbing her face on his and laying on him in order to get her face right up next to his.  He has learned a trick (maybe out of self defense)--hair pulling!  He grabs a big handfull of her (or my) hair and does not let go!  He likes to be on his tummy and does this kind of inch worm thing where he lays his face down and sticks his butt up, then he lifts his head up and then goes back to head down, butt up.  I think it will turn into crawling before we know it.  He is so different from Maya, so much more physical at this age than she was.  He is a charmer and loves to look around the room and grin at anyone who he can get to look back at him.  He is patient and if he can just get his thumb into his mouth, he can soothe himself, even when he's really hungry.  I love this little guy so much!  Happy 5 month birthday Zain-er!

What We Want Part II: Fasting, a Broken Foot and a Tantrum

So here's part II.  Lots of comments on that last post, here and via email and fb--I was glad to hear that I am not alone in this struggle--misery (or apathy?) loves company, right?

I had just found a band called Gungor (and then my SIL wrote and said she'd just seen them live and it was a profound worship experience and that we had to get this new album of theirs) so I've been listening to their album called Ghosts Upon the Earth (Just FYI to my Kansas friends, they will be playing Wed, MARCH 21, at the Orpheum Theatre--Don't miss this!!).  Listening to their rock-mini-opera through the Bible, for the first time in ages, I wanted to read my Bible.  Specifically one of my all-time favorites: Hosea.  I've always been inexplicably drawn to this story.  As I read tonight, these words stood out to me:

She said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'  Therefore I will block her path with thronbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.  She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them.  Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' Hosea 2.5-7

Matt and I decided that we wanted to fast from TV for lent again this year.  I had a creeping feeling (dread) leading up to lent that we needed to do this.  That once again, this had become an idol in my life.  Not that I love and worship and adore TV, but that I go to TV to distract and soothe and accompany me when I am exhausted and don't want to have to think or talk or interact anymore.  Parenting a 2 year old and a 5 month old has been taking all that I have within me.  Not so much the 5 month old (honestly, I forget about him sometimes).  But his needs, on top of a very chatty 2 year old who wants to take part in everything I do, has resulted in one of the hardest seasons of my life.  Maybe even harder than the year we lived in Syria--and that's saying a lot.  I found myself at the end of my rope.  Then my precious and wonderful sister came to visit and for two sweet weeks, answered the "What is this?" question a million times a day so that I didn't have to.  It was awesome.  Then she went home. 

Then we decided we should fast.  Then my husband broke his foot.  Then required surgery.  Now he can't put any weight on it for 6 to 8 weeks.  At all.  Then at least another month in a walking cast.  When the weight of it all hit me, it was over the dishes.  I realized he won't be helping me with the dishes for at least the next two months. And I can't watch TV.  What the freak.  So then I am tempted to call the whole thing off.  I've needed more drugs than my post operative husband.  If I can't have my TV escape, then darn it all, I'll find something else. . .

Isn't that just like me?  (Like all of us, I hope.)  You think you're gonna take away my favorite toy, God?  Well I'll show you.  I'll find a better one.  I am a bigger baby than my toddler.  I throw fits too.  I've been asking God over and over for only God knows how long to make me want Him again.  To draw me close to Him.  To help me to restore the discipline of Bible reading and prayer in my life.  So He urges and convicts me to lay something aside that is often a distraction and a time suck, so that I might be able to have more free time and free mental space to seek Him.  And then He goes and breaks Matt's foot and doubles my work load and my burden.  He makes me so desperate and needy that I don't know where to turn.  And then I spend the following week ignoring Him.  Being mad at Him for making my life harder.  I think He has blocked my way with thornbushes to encourage me to go back to my first love.  But I think Johnny Cash said it best, (paraphrase) it's hard to kick against the pricks.

I've been reading bits and pieces from John Piper's book "When I Don't Desire God."  I think it will be good.  The subtitle is "How to Fight for Joy".  I'll let you know if it helps fix my broken wanter.  I've come to the end of all I have for now.  So I guess this is another to be continued. . .