The Monkey Show

Hey everyone. Do you ever discover a new blog by reading someones blog who is listed on a friend's blog and then they reference a blog and so you click on it (because who can resist that?) and then you discover the funniest blog you've seen in recent history? Well thanks lady whose blog I was reading who had a link to this gem: http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/. I think I love it partially because my older brother (who shall remain un-named to protect his identity) is a photo-sneezer. I'm not talking about once or twice he sneezed in a family photo. I'm talking we have an entire collection of family pictures disfigured by Jason in the middle of a sneeze at the precise moment the picture was taken. Oh whoops, sorry J. So much for anonymity. You know you want the paps at your door. Anyway, my fondness for my big bro and his uncanny ability to spice up so many family photos with a giant sneeze (or just a generally strange and awkward expression) made me identify so much with so many of these truly awkward family pictures. (mom, you should scan and post some of those amazing pics and I'll link to your blog). Jason grew up to be a very handsome man, so all of those not so photogenic childhood moments have been redeemed.

But that's not what I set out to post about--Let's get down to it. Matt made fun of me the day before yesterday for saying this, "You know sometimes these people seem very competent and professional and the next minute it's like watching a monkey show." I think that I meant to say circus. But I kind of like how monkey show rolls off the tongue. Unfortunately, when I made this comment we were at the e.r. with Maya. She's fine, she's fine. Don't worry. She had the big d as well as immense vomiting and after I called the Dr (who was out of the country) her sub told me to take her to the e.r. to see if she needed fluids. So we waited around for Matt to get home from where he was (because Mays is not the only pathetic puking and pooping one lately there was no way I was going to try to take her there alone in a taxi). Then we headed to the e.r. Now since I was in the e.r. a few months ago with a gall stone attack, we kind of know the drill here. You check in and then they get an initial paper filled out on you then you go pay. Then they examine you, then you go pay. Then they do some things and order labs. Then you go pay. It's pretty smart. It's how they eliminate all those annoying poor people--no pay?--no way! This system means that you have to make sure that when you get suddenly and seriously ill that you take a little pay pal with you so that they can keep going to the cashier window and paying every few minutes while you writhe alone in your hospital bed (when i had my gall bladder episode we had to have friends run up to the hospital with i think a thousand dollars in cash at one point before we realized we could use our credit card).

So then we get to the point where they are actually beginning to help Maya. They determine that the best thing to do is to give her an anti nausea suppository, then try to give her some oral re-hydrating solution to try to avoid having to give her an i.v. Well I am all about sparing my child pain (and i have heard from my nurse friend here that they make you hold your own child down when they are doing anything that requires holding down and I'm pretty sure i can't handle that, so we opt for the rectal route). They give Maya the suppository. She cries and cries. I ask the nurse, "Is it supposed to hurt her?" She tells me that it hurts a little. Maya decides they can stick that thing where the sun don't shine--and swiftly fills her diaper--pooping the offender right out. So the nurse comes back and inserts #2. Maya again cries and whines and acts very uncomfortable before filling her diaper once again. Hah! She will not be man-handled! Then another nurse tells me that we will have to put the third suppository in, and hold it in for 5 minutes. Then he looks at me and says something along the lines of, "Madam, are you going to do this or am I?" Uh. . . I'm thinking, you're the one with the latex gloves brother--tfadl (which means, go right ahead!!!!!). So he sticks his finger in there (thankfully at this point she has given up her protesting and is desperately sucking her thumb and has fallen asleep). He informs us that she is still trying to push it out. After the five minutes have passed, he tells me (even though Matt is standing right there beside her stroking her hair), "Madam, you need to hold her now here for five minutes." The "here" is her butt cheeks. He wants me to hold her butt cheeks together so she can't poop it out. I have no idea why that needed to be my job, since her DADDY was already standing there with her and i was sitting on a chair across the room, but whatever. Her cheeks are cute and at this point i have her puke all down the front of my shirt, so why not position myself at her other shooting end. At least I'm not having to pin her arms down while some resident learns how to give babies i.v.'s. She stayed asleep thankfully and the third suppository stayed in long enough to work.

This is when the monkey show comment came out. After the suppository was finally successfully administered, they come in with a prescription and tell us we need to go to the pharmacy to go and get the solution for her. I'm thinking, "This is the pediatric section of the e.r., and you don't have any oral re-hydration solution ON HAND? What is wrong with you people?" So as Matt is running to the pharmacy I'm just thinking crazy. This is crazy. After Matt tries two different pharmacies and neither one has what is on the script, he calls my cell and wants to know where he's supposed to find this stuff. I find the nurse with the finger and put him on the phone with Matt. Hero of the day (Matt) returns with a bottle of "Babylyte". Then I ask the nurse for a bottle to put it in, so that i can feed it to Maya. He looks at me like I've asked him for a spandex cat suit. They don't have bottles. Of course. Thankfully (read irony here) the night before I had started on Flagyl (a medication to kill parasites) and had to switch Maya onto formula, so I had a bottle with me that I dumped the formula powder out of and put the Babylyte into. We got her started drinking that and things went okay until she threw up again. This time she missed the front of me and went for the floor instead--good girl. We then spent the next two hours or so giving her about 5 ml of the solution every 5 minutes (for those of you not currently bottle feeding children this is painfully slow and the tiny amount is very frustrating to the aggravated and hungry infant) but she was able to keep it down. We still don't have her lab work back so we don't even know what caused this now 3 day fiasco, but we are happy to report that the little munchkin is back on formula as of this morning and is keeping things down just fine. (praise ye the Lord) Happy side note: mommy seems to be taking quite nicely to the Flagyl (minus the awful metallic taste it causes in your mouth and the brown pee that comes from it) and feels the best she's felt in three weeks. Except that she can hardly walk her foot hurts so bad. But that's another post for another day. Truly, thank you for praying for us. Clearly, we need it. We are the monkey show. . .