Patriot or Pacifist?

Good morning. 4 a.m. and I can't sleep (aren't those some song lyrics?), so I thought we would chat. Tomorrow is Independence Day. Whoops, today. It is also Sunday (i.e. church day). I cannot decide what to do. I had originally planned on not going to church tomorrow. In the past I have had a really hard time with American church services on the 4th. (I'll explain in a minute) Plus, we haven't been in an American church in more than three years (it will feel very weird and new/different). Plus we are in the South, and I am from Kansas. There are a lot of factors. And I'm not sure, but I think I may be a Pacifist, and in the past, 4th of July church services (especially in the South) have caused me all sorts of inner turmoil because of my convictions, and disagreeing with how things were handled and what was said. So, I'm trying to formulate or articulate what it is that I believe, and what it is that I have issues with, all while deciding if I will be going to church with everyone else.

This is what is on my mind (and yes, I know some of these these things are self contradictory--I'm just trying to figure it all out):

• I am personally patriotic--for weeks you will probably be reading about things I am just loving about being in America
• I am not sure that patriotism should be something we say/do in the church
• America is a great place to grow up
• I am grateful that I was born American
• Every time I see an American soldier in uniform in the airport, I have an urge to thank him/her
• I appreciate the service that our armed services give and I appreciate and want to honor those who gave their lives (but I'm not sure that church is where we should do that)
• I have a real struggle to see how about the last 3 wars the U.S. has been involved in were/are any of our business
• When churches choose to have color guards present--they bring guns in the church and I am very uncomfortable with the symbolism of that statement
• I believe church should be a place where anyone from any country can find refuge and belonging amongst the family of God
• Often, it seems that war is glorified during 4th services
• It is often implied that God is somehow "on our side" and think that's pretty darn presumptuous
• I wonder why when we pray for our U.S. soldiers who are fighting in wars abroad, why we aren't also praying for the people who they are shooting at, who if they die, will more than likely spend an eternity separated from God because they have probably never had a chance to hear and respond to the Gospel
• I question whether a lot of the things we are "defending" when we are fighting wars are worth defending (i.e. a lifestyle that consumes disproportionate amounts of resources, a standard of living that is ridiculously inconsistent with the rest of the world, extravagance and greed, defense of our super-power status, etc.)
• I wonder how I can reconcile in my heart/mind things that Jesus said like, "turn the other cheek" or "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" with the idea of war and aggression
• I wonder why we think it's our job to make sure democracy is everywhere, instead of letting nations chose for themselves how they will govern--even if it doesn't serve our interests
• As a follower of Jesus, I have more in common, or more solidarity with other followers of Jesus around the world than I do with many Americans
• The way that some churches conduct their 4th of July services leaves me feeling like I had to chose sides--either America, or my allegiance to Jesus and the worldwide body of believers
• I selfishly want to go to church tomorrow and feel like I fit in--mostly because for the last three years, I have felt like I don't, and if I'm going to fit in anywhere in the U.S. now, wouldn't that place be the church? (but because I can be cynical, I believe I may feel more like a sore thumb there than anywhere else, so I want to avoid it all together)
• I don't want people to talk about me if I am not at church tomorrow and I don't want my family to feel like they have to lie for me about why I am not there
• I don't want to miss out . . .

So where does that leave us? I had planned not to go to church because I didn't want to have to deal with all of this. It's now 5:48 a.m. and I'm going back to bed. I'll let you know what I decide and how it goes.