What Can I Say?

I haven't blogged much lately. Things have been busy. I had a baby. She is awesome. She fills my days and nights with feedings, diaper changing, laundry, holding, rocking, thinking. Not much sleep. Not much that is high and grand and blog-worthy. The stuff that is on my mind these days is very simple. Like yesterday she smiled at me for the first time. And although it doesn't feel like it's very high or worthy or grand, it was to me. It was beautiful. And amazing. It was very simple, but my eyes are filling up with tears right now just thinking about it.

The big things on my mind these days seem pretty shallow. They are things like when will I lose enough weight to fit into the mountain of clothes that I own, so that I can stop wearing the same 4 pairs of pants that I have been wearing for months? And how can I get organized so that this apartment doesn't feel so small and crowded? And how on earth can I make a place for everything so that we don't constantly have piles everywhere? And how can I remember all of the stuff I need to remember if I put it away in it's place? And what on earth can I cook (that even resembles healthy) from the few items in my pantry and fridge?

Maybe all of this doesn't feel very blog-worthy because I don't know how to find Jesus in it all. What is the relationship between the piles on our dining room table and Jesus? Or the revolving door of laundry and Jesus? And speaking of Jesus-how on earth do I continue to have some semblance of relationship with Him when I can hardly find the time to shower? And this is the hardest part--how do I chose Jesus when all I want to do is collapse on the couch and watch TV, or climb into my bed and sleep?

Then this voice of reason says to me, "Hey, cut yourself some slack!" And then when I stop and think about it, I realize that I am only about 2 months into a completely new job called motherhood. There is a learning curve. Maybe some of you old pros can tell me how long the intense learning curve lasted for you. Maybe this will help. In the meantime, I am so scared that in the time it takes me to figure out how to keep up with the laundry, or how to fix healthy meals, or how to make time for exercise, I will fail to do the important things with this new baby we have been entrusted with. Like read books. Sing songs. Play patty-cake. Pray for her.

I have spent so much of my life believing that if I could just perform better, then I would have the relationship with Jesus that I want. The intimate prayer life. The outreach and ministry that touches lives. The organized and clean (and therefore welcoming) home. That if I could be more self-disciplined, then Jesus would love me more. That if I could have the hour long quiet time then I wouldn't feel like such a failure. That if I even knew where my Bible is right now, then I might have something grand and noble and worthy to blog about. But then again, maybe the fact that I feel like a total mess makes me a good candidate for the deep deep love of Jesus. Maybe my struggle with failure and perfectionism makes me a great candidate for unconditional love and a huge measure of grace. Maybe I can somehow learn to hear the still small voice of God in the midst of my mess, instead of hoping to get it all cleaned up and under control in order to find Him. In order to know Him. In order to love Him. Maybe in the midst of so much newness in my role and my responsibilities He can be the One who never changes.

So as it turns out, I did have something high and grand and blog-worthy, after all.